Today since I woke up I am very sad. It seems that suddenly my heart is breaking. Jesus told me that he wanted me to suffer with joy. This is so hard, but as long as He asks for it, I try to do it. I like suffering for two reasons: first, because Jesus always preferred suffering, from his birth to his death on the cross. Then it has to be something very great for the Almighty to seek out suffering in everything. Second: I like it because souls are shaped on the anvil of pain. And because Jesus, to those souls whom he loves the most, sends this gift that He liked so much.
He told me that He had gone up to Calvary and laid down on the Cross with joy for the salvation of men. “Aren’t you the one who seeks me and wants to be like me? Then come with me and take up the Cross with love and joy”.
I also find in a notebook something written that was entitled: “My Mirror”.
“My mirror must be Mary. Since I am her daughter, I must look like her, and thus I will look like Jesus.
I shall love no one but Jesus. Then my heart must have the seal of God’s love. My eyes must be fixed on Jesus crucified. My ears must constantly hear the voice of the Divine Crucified One.
My tongue must express my love for him. My foot must go to Calvary. That is why my pace must be slow and recollected. My hands must grasp the Crucifix, that is, the divine image that must be imprinted on my heart”.
I also found a letter I wrote one night when I could endure no more suffering:
“Dear Mother, Mother almost idolized: I’m writing to you to relieve my heart torn by sorrow. I don’t want you to gather its pieces, Mother of my soul, but that it may flow and distill a little blood. I am suffocated by pain, my Mother. I suffer, but I am happy in suffering. I have taken away the Cross from my Jesus. He rests. What greater happiness for me?
I am alone, my Mother. My mother is going to Viña today to see Ignacito and we will stay here. Until when? I don’t know. Until Jesus wants it, don’t you think? I’m suffering… and I can’t take it anymore. I only ask you to heal the sick. You know who they are. You, Mother, can do it if you want to. My Mother, show that you are my Mother. Hear the cry of my repentant sinful soul, which suffers and drains the cup of pain to the dregs; but it doesn’t matter. I feel sorry, but I just want Jesus. I want Him to be the master of my heart. Tell Him that I love Him and that I adore Him. Tell him that I want to suffer, that I want to die of love and suffering. That I don’t care about the world, but only about Him. Yes, Mother. I’m alone. I unite myself to your loneliness. Comfort me, encourage me, advise me, accompany me and bless me.
You are my Mother and I tell you that I’m sorry. Before, my sorrow had a truce, a ray of light in my dark heart; but this ray of light does not illuminate me or smile anymore. This smile of my mother made me live, and it was twice a week; but now I will not have it. Tomorrow will be Wednesday and no one will call me to the salon. Come with your Son and my happiness will be complete.
Let him know my lessons, my reviews, my exams. May I have rewards to make you happy, and my Jesus and my parents. Mary, my Mother, hear me. Your daughter.” [Diary, 15 November 1915]
On 7 December  I wrote: “Tomorrow is the greatest day of my life. Who am I and who is He? [He] the all-powerful, immense, Wisdom, Goodness, and Purity itself is going to unite himself to a poor sinner. Oh Jesus, my love, my life, my comfort and joy, my all! Tomorrow I will be yours! Oh Jesus, my love!
Mother, tomorrow [8.12.1915] I will be your Daughter even more so. I will be the Bride of Jesus. He is going to put the wedding ring on my finger. Oh, I am happy, for I can truly say that the only love of my heart has been Him.
My confessor gave me permission to make a vow of chastity for nine days and then he will continue to indicate suitable dates. I am happy. I have my formula written:
“Today, December 8, 1915, at the age of fifteen, I make my vow before the Holy Trinity and in the presence of the Virgin Mary and all the saints in Heaven to admit no other Spouse but my Lord Jesus Christ, whom I love with all my heart and whom I want to serve until the last moment of my life. Made for the novena of the Immaculate Conception to be renewed with the permission of my confessor”.
This is the last update I have from this year. I have not written in my diary again. But I have my retreat and a letter I wrote to my sister Rebeca to tell her about my vocation as a Carmelite and to ask her to help me. I wrote to her on her birthday.